As the story begins, Hefty, Clumsy, and Panicky are out in the forest at night with a cart full of smurfberries that has a broken wheel. Unable to fix the wheel, the three of them sit together around a campfire roasting smurfberries when Clumsy has the idea of telling a ghost story to pass the time. Narrator then joins the three Smurfs to tell his own kind of ghost story.
I don't know of a Panicky Smurf, this must have been a Beta Smurf or was killed off early, perhaps for obvious reasons and in his fear... ran off a cliff?
In Narrator's story, the Smurfs gather around for Papa Smurf to announce the Smurfberry Harvest contest in which the Smurfs who collect the most smurfberries will be awarded a medal. Brainy shows up at the gathering wearing multiple medals that he has won over the past years, gloating about how he's going to win this year's medal as well. As the Smurfs collect their buckets and then go out into the forest to pick smurfberries, Gutsy follows Brainy to find out where he's been getting all the smurfberries for winning the contest. He discovers that it's in a place called Smurfy Hollow, an area where the legendary Headless Horseman resides, where there's a secret patch of smurfberries growing plentifully. Gutsy decides to give Brainy a scare by creating a shadow figure of the Headless Horseman, which sends the bespectacled Smurf running in fear. However, while Gutsy uses this opportunity to collect the smurfberries in the secret patch, Brainy finds himself walking into a trap set up by the evil wizard Gargamel.
The rest I'm going to just sum up. The bad guy was a hairy perv looking guy with an asshole for a cat named Azreal.
Smurfs were totally peaceful, and had a happy way of just working and what not, all wearing giant white diapers, basically naked in the forest picking berries and baking pies, and there was a period of time I was given the moniker "Brainy Smurf" that I understood to be a great compliment - "I'm being compared to a smurf!" I remarked! Nay, I was being compared to a smurf alright, the know-it-all jerkface smurf the others always left behind. Be-smurfed!
But the smurfs weren't a cartoon to me. What the smurfs REALLY meant was the first having of an item that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do.
This doubles for the Totally True section, as it is something very few people know about me and I hide well. Possibly like my hands.
At the right age I was given a set of these, and I went fucking ape:
It was not an intentionally cruel gift, every effort was made to catch me up, but there was no way I could manage these, and yet I loved these skates more than I coveted any other thing and I wore these every day all day and to bed - I thought they'd be different and I'd make it work. What I mean by 'catch me up' was that I was breach born = I was born feet first and in the hustle to get me out.... the doctor pulled in such a way that both of my hips were dislocated completely out of their sockets. Babies don't flail with arms and legs for a while, so I was a few months old before anyone discovered I couldn't move my legs. Mmm hm, so I was fitted with a body cast (full on hard-fucker cast, like what you'd get if your busted your arm), from the waist down and I basically looked like a Capital A for the first 18 months of my life.
There was a roughly 5 inch hole to clean me through, and my mother took a lot of shit from nurses saying horrible things like "can't you keep this baby clean!" and really... how the fuck could she? I couldn't be plopped in a bath, and babies have brand new bowels... it's Russian Roulette with every shit a kid makes for the first many months. Also, imagine toting me around in that impossible stiff shape, better yet - imagine putting your tee-pee infant into the main belly-part of your shopping cart because there was no where else to put my crippled ass, and being my mother - scorned by ignorant strangers thinking she was negligent, or had hurt me. I can't imagine the bullshit she suffered. Flip side, she thought she could park me somewhere and there'd I stay. Negative. I became the fastest elbow crawler ever born. I'd drag that entire cast and myself in such a sad display of a broken kid with no knowledge of being disabled in attempts to get at contraband. Alas, I have been very ME from the start.
That said I went to Shriners Hospital for Children until I was in my teens and they declared me 'as good as I'm going to get.' What's crazy wrong is when I requested medical records as an adult, and received them - I learned I was in special ed until the 6th grade movement-wise. I have no recollection of being in a special class during phys ed (PE was called phys ed yo!), and I really gave my mother a ration for me having lived my entire adult life not knowing I rode the short bus because I skipped a little funky and shared with other kids for fuck. I call that personality plus, and guarding what little shit I owned.
In closing - I cannot swim, ride a bike, do anything twisty, or alas..... roller skate. I have been resigned to coining it "can't do the shit" with a shrug off, since those skates went bust in 1986 but it's all good, I'm so fine with being in the special class.....smurf along with ME!... come to Papa's Street......
Radical Recall:
1983: Men Without Hats: Safety Dance:
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