Toys - Chapter One

It may be because I was a lot shorter then, but in the 80s there were no walls in Toys r Us.  It was endless isles deep and shelves to the heavens tall.  I don't know when it shrank but I like to remember it as a fence-less world of needful things that would exhaust my mother's throat from repeating the word 'no' over the span of two hours.

I mean, look at this joint.....it's infinite.  There. Is. No. Back. Wall.



 Below is a list of items that could be found in my house, in any varying degree of disrepair or otherwise treated like all kids treat toys - even ones they like.

Pound Puppy
The story goes a seven year old me bee-lined into a store, much like this:


(reference Wylie Coyote and the Road Runner!)

to an isle where I stopped, pointed, and screamed "Princeton!"  at the top of my lungs with authority.

This is Princeton:



Of all, actually ANY toys I retain to this day.... I still have Princeton.  What's absolutely priceless to me is one day out of the blue some, ten or so years ago I got a call from my mother.  Whispering:  "Jenben.....I... found..... Princeton..."

Of course she had no idea I had, and never lost Princeton, but she had gone to a yard sale and was sure to her soul he had found his way home and had a spiritual moment when she produced this fellow:



To the lamen... possibly Princeton.  To me?  Get real, who was this skinny faced imposter?  In fairness, most pound puppies didn't look anything like Princeton, so she did come across a rare find to see one this close.  I now have two, and embarrassed to say that the girl who names everything.... has never named Not-Princeton.  Gratuitous yorkie in the background, yes, smaller than even a pound puppy.

All pound puppies had embroidered asses.



 
Tinkertoys:

No shortage of this shit in the house.  More accurately, no shortage of "bits" of it ALL over the house.  I don't remember these being useful other than to construct a reeeeeeally long arm from the bottom bunk to smack my older sister with on the top bunk.  I was torture in ways I'll never be able to cover in Hail Mary's, and frankly....I have never been exactly sorry for being a pain in the ass.  Potentially some shades of it, but not exactly.

Glow Worm & the See and Say Desconcierto 
Speaking of my mother's propensity for the odd gift - she was cursed with being the queen to why I am frugal, as she always stretched a buck.  Often times she stretched that fucker too far and I ended up with a See & Say that spoke spanish:

i.e.  "el perro habla 'WOOF!' "







And understand my mother is from the south and has the most offensive collection of racial slurs I know of, short of a David Allen Coe album.  So this sort of thing, even though we were living in the gut of a growing hispanic population in Van Nuys, put her into a manic rage.  She took that Spanish See and Say personally in a way that while she didn't destroy it in front of me, I can say with certainty that I did only ever see the thing once.  Talk about beaming with glee to give her child a smart gift, then watching her smile melt into beaner horror.  It was a blur of "wetbacks..." and "receipt."  Oh how she glared at that thing the rest of the night, just waiting to get her hands on it.

If god wasn't trying to give her a hint to loosen up that time, he most definitely was giving it a second try when I received many years later (ever the bargain hunter!) a set of tarot cards.  Right...



I thought she'd stroke.  Again, saw them once, and really....nevermind that it looks the Papa is about to get a blowjob, I liked them!

Do understand, even in the 1980's racism was alive and well, and very normal in a lot of the country, so when I explain my mother being bigoted, it was not uncommon and very much a facet of being raised in a house where slavery wasn't so old to her parents.  In the 80's it seemed for the most part tolerated (again I was little, so who knows how off the mark I am, I just know what I remember), in comparison to now, where it's gone so insanely 180 that you can't even talk to someone of another race without watching yourself to say something offensive.  And not because you're racist, but because everyone is so hyper-sensitive and sometimes to me, I feel like people are hoping, even waiting to be spoken to sideways. 

Digressing, I was also given a Glow Worm:

 My worm had to be held like I was at war and choking out an enemy before it lit up.  No kid goes to sleep with a death hold on a toy, and the piddly light it emitted wasn't worth the fight.  I'm sure I carried it around like a staple long enough to appear grateful - (remember when kids were grateful and would tote around a yard rock if it was dressed as a gift because being an ungrateful child was some wrong shit to have your name attached to).

Coming Next - Toys: Chapter 2 - Smurf Along with Me!



Radical Recall:


1989: Martika - Toy Soldiers





1979: Devo, Whip It
These guys get in a year early, because clearly.... they are 80's ahead of time.  I think they started the trend of inane, nonsensical shit that was for whatever reason - awesome. I have this record, vinyl.



1984:  Prince: When Doves Cry:
Can't get a live video of this one because.... I don't really know, my guess?  Prince is ultra up-fucking-tight (adverb!) about it being played for free. That, or some sort of self-realization that he's two feet tall and is embarrassed by a video of him in a bathtub being.....two feet tall. 





Totally True:                                                                                   




Rubics Cube and Post it Notes were invented in the 1980's.  Oh, and THIS was hot....

 

I know right?!?!
 

Legit Lingo:                                                                                   

Grody
Part of Speech: Adjective
Meaning: Disgusting
Usage: You sucked face with Farmer Ted? Grody!