I hope you have enjoyed my tour of the 1980's. It would have been impossible without a small tribe of workers to have covered the decade properly, as I have easily a dozen half-completed posts covering movies that changed the times, way more detail about what we wore, holy shit did I glaze over Michael (Jackson), and why every girl lugged a giant bottle of Aqua Net in her bag.
Your final gifty of this journey comes second hand, like the rest of them - as a younger sister my 80's existed of nothing but hand-me-downs. You'll find it on your desk at like, the most awesome moment like.
In closing... let's just get on with it. There is one exemption to my face contorting into an ultimate scowl (and eye roll!) at a person who learns my name and goes karaoke with this song - I call the man who cleans the fish tanks Clooney, because frankly, he's got a mild case of it, and he calls me 5309. Fair enough.
- Fin
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
Darker Side of the Neon
Under the bridges, behind the well lit streets was another world that some would, and maybe still will, say were the best of the worst times ever. For every ringlet and bottle of Neon-Orange-Rage-Mango nailpolish splashing the culture, there was a line of coke and syringe of heroin somewhere behind a bar or darkened club. Best of the worst times...not everything was a rainbow, yet was....
1988: Jane's Addiction: Jane Says:
"I only know they want me."
I still know a handful people who say Perry Ferrell is God and would beat me senseless (for my own good you see) until I remembered that yes, yes Perry is God! JA fans are no joke, with reason, it's heavy.
"Jane Says" Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides, The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow
Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow
She gets mad, and she starts to cry
She takes a swing but, She cant hit
She don't mean no harm, She just don't know
What else to do about it
Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits, And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner from her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love, I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me
1983: U2: Sunday Bloody Sunday:
One of U2's most overtly political songs, its lyrics describe the horror felt by an observer of the Troubles in Northern Ireland, mainly focusing on the Bloody Sunday incident in Londonderry where British troops shot and killed unarmed civil rights protesters and bystanders who were there to rally against internment (imprisonment without trial or evidence).
I have my eye on sociology and civil unrest and have watched CNN news everyday of my life since I was ten years old. It is likely a great contributor to the reason I squint so much and trust absolutely nothing implicitly that isn't a puppy. I've never had a sweet face puppy turn into a rabid transforming creature that spat skin dissolving acid on me, so we can go ahead and move puppies to the safe ward of my rationale. If you want to predict the future, keep an eye on the current version of this sort of thing. In between the hungry children commercials of course.
Totally True:
"During the summer of 1985, the city of Los Angeles was panic-stricken by a killer who crept into his victims' homes at night. The Night Stalker, as the press dubbed the murderer, first turned his attention on the men in the house, usually shot any men in the house with a .22 caliber handgun before raping, stabbing, and mutilating his female victims. He cut out one of his victim's eyes, and sometimes carved satanic pentagrams on the bodies before he left.
By August, the Night Stalker has murdered at least a dozen people, and law enforcement officials were desperate to stop him. "
Richard Ramirez, aka The Night Stalker was a serious problem.
He died in prison in June of this year.
Legit Lingo:
"Gag me with a spoon"
Meaning: To disgust.
Usage: My grandmother just felt me up! Gag me with a spoon!
Again, what the WHAT on these usages. Who's grandmothers are feeling them up except one actress named Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles.
1988: Jane's Addiction: Jane Says:
"I only know they want me."
I still know a handful people who say Perry Ferrell is God and would beat me senseless (for my own good you see) until I remembered that yes, yes Perry is God! JA fans are no joke, with reason, it's heavy.
"Jane Says" Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides, The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow
Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow
She gets mad, and she starts to cry
She takes a swing but, She cant hit
She don't mean no harm, She just don't know
What else to do about it
Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits, And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner from her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love, I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me
1983: U2: Sunday Bloody Sunday:
One of U2's most overtly political songs, its lyrics describe the horror felt by an observer of the Troubles in Northern Ireland, mainly focusing on the Bloody Sunday incident in Londonderry where British troops shot and killed unarmed civil rights protesters and bystanders who were there to rally against internment (imprisonment without trial or evidence).
I have my eye on sociology and civil unrest and have watched CNN news everyday of my life since I was ten years old. It is likely a great contributor to the reason I squint so much and trust absolutely nothing implicitly that isn't a puppy. I've never had a sweet face puppy turn into a rabid transforming creature that spat skin dissolving acid on me, so we can go ahead and move puppies to the safe ward of my rationale. If you want to predict the future, keep an eye on the current version of this sort of thing. In between the hungry children commercials of course.
Totally True:
"During the summer of 1985, the city of Los Angeles was panic-stricken by a killer who crept into his victims' homes at night. The Night Stalker, as the press dubbed the murderer, first turned his attention on the men in the house, usually shot any men in the house with a .22 caliber handgun before raping, stabbing, and mutilating his female victims. He cut out one of his victim's eyes, and sometimes carved satanic pentagrams on the bodies before he left.
By August, the Night Stalker has murdered at least a dozen people, and law enforcement officials were desperate to stop him. "
Richard Ramirez, aka The Night Stalker was a serious problem.
He died in prison in June of this year.
Legit Lingo:
"Gag me with a spoon"
Meaning: To disgust.
Usage: My grandmother just felt me up! Gag me with a spoon!
Again, what the WHAT on these usages. Who's grandmothers are feeling them up except one actress named Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles.
Video Blog - The Weird, The Questionable and all that ROCKED!
We don't know why. More often, it was why NOT in the 80's.
1986: Falco: Rock Me Amadeus:
Yes please. I do do love me some classical, this tickles every fancy. Just in case, Amadeus = Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and there are... I'm going to call it - 'interpretations' of Mozart in there, song is most awesome.
And really, fucking bravo to our man in the unexplainable hat at the 49 second mark. He half looks like a gent with a case of Marilyn Manson meets pirate-zombie. In the 80's, everything goes....
1984: Dead or Alive: You Spin Me Round
Flo-Rida did his typical snagging a great spin-line-from-a-popular-song-remix a few years ago, and it was, I guess okay-rated since Flo-Rida to me.....is like a kid with down syndrome working the smile angle because everyone praises him when he he does it, and yeah I'm aware that's likely an unpopular comparison... but a metaphor is spot on, I'm apt to employ it. Positive reinforcement of a mediocre thing, I get it and it is simply okay. Here is the origin of oddness, great song - fierce hair.
1984: Duran Duran: The Reflex
This was a huge hit, for reason's unknown to this taste. Good band, rotten song. Now, my older sister will tell you I bratted my way into our shared bedroom and intentionally stomped her record of this song.... and that record was seemingly a mirror of her soul, thus crushing beyond anything possibly replaceable. She took the busted 45 (that indicates speed by the way, a 45 was the small one) ultra personally, but it could have been that it was simply the straw that broke the back of personal items of hers I'd trashed that week. It's what little sisters do because they covet and they are insufferable about said covet. Me? I say I did her a favor. To this god damned day because the song is for shit.
Whyyy-eye-yi-yi...... , yeah why indeed. Ugh. Ashes to ashes, I'm glad I wrecked it, but did replace it on a CD a few Christmas's ago. All the same, give it a fair shake, but my preference leaned towards Union of the Snake, or Hungry Like the Wolf.
1982: Muciscal Youth: Pass the Duchie
In case you are inclined to feel poorly for "how does it feel when you got no food", they aren't jumping and prancing for food, not that the ganja base line didn't tip you off.
The song was the band's first release on a major label. It was a cover version of two songs: "Gimme the Music" by U Brown, and "Pass the Kouchie" by The Mighty Diamonds, which deals with the recreational use of cannabis ("kouchie" being slang for a cannabis pipe). For the cover version, the song's title was bowdlerized to "Pass the Dutchie", and all obvious drug references were removed from the lyrics; e.g., when the original croons "How does it feel when you got no herb?", the cover version refers to "food" instead. "Dutchie" is used as a patois term to refer to a food cooking pot such as a Dutch oven in Jamaica and the Caribbean. It has since become a drug reference in itself, denoting a blunt stuffed with marijuana and rolled in a wrapper from a Dutch Masters cigar, since American and British listeners assumed that the term was a drug reference.
1982: George Clinton: Atomic Dog:
George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelics....the original dee-oh-double-g but so much more colorful.
1982: Rick James: Super Freak:
I'd like to remind you, everything goes... so when he says he can't take her home to mom, well neither can she... right? /dance!
1982: The Clash: Rock the Casbah:
"Thinks. It's. Not. Ko-sher!" -
1986: Genesis: Land of Confusion
Best for last - ultimate weird right? Enjoy the Reaganomics, but if you separate the lyrics from the imagery, it is saying a whole lot of something about the time.
Song is still applicable.
Totally True:
You have, I imagine, heard of Chernobyl.
Research it inclined, but true life mutant shit out there. Still happening, you can't go "tour Chernobyl.." I think the radiation in 2013 still only lets you go into the city for about 15 minutes before being deadly, the people just left... took nothing. It's not even loot-able for thieves, it's all so loaded with radiation....trinkets from the working class aren't worth the effort. Look it up, I might be wrong.... but not wrong about the mutant factor:
"The Chernobyl disaster (Ukrainian: Чорнобильська катастрофа, Chornobylska Katastrofa – Chornobyl Catastrophe) was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred on 26 April 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine (then officially the Ukrainian SSR), which was under the direct jurisdiction of the central authorities of the Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive particles into the atmosphere, which spread over much of the western USSR and Europe.
The Chernobyl disaster is widely considered to have been the worst nuclear power plant accident in history, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011) The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles.The official Soviet casualty count of 31 deaths has been disputed, and long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for."
Legit Lingo:
Usage: Like, oh my God! I heard Mikey died by eating Pop Rocks with Coke.
If this is a repeat lingo entry, that's because I didn't read the usage. No one fucking died from Pop Rock's and cola that didn't have it coming for losing a bet. . Maybe usage should be "Like oh my god, Mikey is a shitty gambler!" That's all I'm saying.
1986: Falco: Rock Me Amadeus:
Yes please. I do do love me some classical, this tickles every fancy. Just in case, Amadeus = Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and there are... I'm going to call it - 'interpretations' of Mozart in there, song is most awesome.
And really, fucking bravo to our man in the unexplainable hat at the 49 second mark. He half looks like a gent with a case of Marilyn Manson meets pirate-zombie. In the 80's, everything goes....
1984: Dead or Alive: You Spin Me Round
Flo-Rida did his typical snagging a great spin-line-from-a-popular-song-remix a few years ago, and it was, I guess okay-rated since Flo-Rida to me.....is like a kid with down syndrome working the smile angle because everyone praises him when he he does it, and yeah I'm aware that's likely an unpopular comparison... but a metaphor is spot on, I'm apt to employ it. Positive reinforcement of a mediocre thing, I get it and it is simply okay. Here is the origin of oddness, great song - fierce hair.
1984: Duran Duran: The Reflex
Whyyy-eye-yi-yi...... , yeah why indeed. Ugh. Ashes to ashes, I'm glad I wrecked it, but did replace it on a CD a few Christmas's ago. All the same, give it a fair shake, but my preference leaned towards Union of the Snake, or Hungry Like the Wolf.
1982: Muciscal Youth: Pass the Duchie
In case you are inclined to feel poorly for "how does it feel when you got no food", they aren't jumping and prancing for food, not that the ganja base line didn't tip you off.
The song was the band's first release on a major label. It was a cover version of two songs: "Gimme the Music" by U Brown, and "Pass the Kouchie" by The Mighty Diamonds, which deals with the recreational use of cannabis ("kouchie" being slang for a cannabis pipe). For the cover version, the song's title was bowdlerized to "Pass the Dutchie", and all obvious drug references were removed from the lyrics; e.g., when the original croons "How does it feel when you got no herb?", the cover version refers to "food" instead. "Dutchie" is used as a patois term to refer to a food cooking pot such as a Dutch oven in Jamaica and the Caribbean. It has since become a drug reference in itself, denoting a blunt stuffed with marijuana and rolled in a wrapper from a Dutch Masters cigar, since American and British listeners assumed that the term was a drug reference.
1982: George Clinton: Atomic Dog:
George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelics....the original dee-oh-double-g but so much more colorful.
1982: Rick James: Super Freak:
I'd like to remind you, everything goes... so when he says he can't take her home to mom, well neither can she... right? /dance!
1982: The Clash: Rock the Casbah:
"Thinks. It's. Not. Ko-sher!" -
1986: Genesis: Land of Confusion
Best for last - ultimate weird right? Enjoy the Reaganomics, but if you separate the lyrics from the imagery, it is saying a whole lot of something about the time.
Song is still applicable.
Totally True:
You have, I imagine, heard of Chernobyl.
Research it inclined, but true life mutant shit out there. Still happening, you can't go "tour Chernobyl.." I think the radiation in 2013 still only lets you go into the city for about 15 minutes before being deadly, the people just left... took nothing. It's not even loot-able for thieves, it's all so loaded with radiation....trinkets from the working class aren't worth the effort. Look it up, I might be wrong.... but not wrong about the mutant factor:
"The Chernobyl disaster (Ukrainian: Чорнобильська катастрофа, Chornobylska Katastrofa – Chornobyl Catastrophe) was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred on 26 April 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine (then officially the Ukrainian SSR), which was under the direct jurisdiction of the central authorities of the Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive particles into the atmosphere, which spread over much of the western USSR and Europe.
The Chernobyl disaster is widely considered to have been the worst nuclear power plant accident in history, and is one of only two classified as a level 7 event (the maximum classification) on the International Nuclear Event Scale (the other being the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in 2011) The battle to contain the contamination and avert a greater catastrophe ultimately involved over 500,000 workers and cost an estimated 18 billion rubles.The official Soviet casualty count of 31 deaths has been disputed, and long-term effects such as cancers and deformities are still being accounted for."
Legit Lingo:
Like, oh my God!
Meaning: Disbelief.Usage: Like, oh my God! I heard Mikey died by eating Pop Rocks with Coke.
If this is a repeat lingo entry, that's because I didn't read the usage. No one fucking died from Pop Rock's and cola that didn't have it coming for losing a bet. . Maybe usage should be "Like oh my god, Mikey is a shitty gambler!" That's all I'm saying.
Hot Ballads: Metal Version
Let's get loud! All of these songs are super rockstar, ultra beyond, and gave a home to those less likely to wash under their fingernails. I'm not judging, it's a statement and I encourage you to google metal fans if said statement is questionably received as prejudiced. Filthy Nail Havers are people too and I'd rock with the best of them like brothers and the below songs are ones worth a watch n' hear.
1989:Warrant: Cherry Pie
This cassette wasn't a complete fuck off, but some of the songs were... odd contextually. Why was Jani Lane singing about Uncle Tom's Cabin? Hrm. Racial epitaphs to the misogynistic Cherry Pie. Again, no one was ringing a morality bell for another ten years. That said, I wore this cassette out.
This cassette wasn't a complete fuck off, but some of the songs were... odd contextually. Why was Jani Lane singing about Uncle Tom's Cabin? Hrm. Racial epitaphs to the misogynistic Cherry Pie. Again, no one was ringing a morality bell for another ten years. That said, I wore this cassette out.
1989: Skid Row: 18 and Life
Young Gone Wild was also pretty good, this one told more story.
1991: Scorpions: Send Me an Angel
Gets a pass because The Scorpions rocked hard enough in the 1980's proper ti get residual credit for this two years later.
Not to be confused with very non-hair and potentially equally rocksome:
1983: Real Life: Send Me an Angel:
Totally True:
The World's Population reaches approx five billion (5,000,000,000)
Legit Lingo:
Book
Part of Speech: Verb
Meaning: To hurry or to leave quickly.
Related forms: Gotta book/Booking/Book it
Usage: We need to book before Cameron's Dad gets home!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
A Christmas Story.....
This is the beat all, end all to well directed, well performed and overall terrific movie. You have this on TBS for the next 24 hrs. 1983. I have, and am currently wearing.... a Christmas Story onsie. Yes like the shit we put our infants in, only complaint is no ass flap, I have to get full naked to get out. Merry merry, we gonna rock through new year, mostly by accident. This, this is a MAJOR AWARD!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Valley Girls
"Valley girl is a stereotype depicting a socio-economic and ethnic class of white women characterized by the colloquial California English dialect Valleyspeak and vapid materialism. The term originally referred to an ever increasing swell of semi-affluent and affluent middle-class and upper-middle class girls living in the early 1980s Los Angeles bedroom communities of the San Fernando Valley. In time the traits and behaviors spread across the United States and Canada, metamorphosing into a caricature of unapologetically spoiled "ditzes" and "airheads" more interested in shopping, personal appearance and social status than intellectual development or personal accomplishment."
I like that Wikipedia calls it "vapid materialism", how delightfully put!
No self respecting valley girl was eating. Not never and don't let anyone bullshit, there was no shortage of cocaine and a "nothing tastes better than thin" mentality. A lot of fry twirling on the plate in the 80's, and bubblegum. And the aforementioned constant eye-rolling. They were Valley Girls.
1985: Staci Q: Two of Hearts
Like oh...my gaawd! /hair flip!
Lots of hair.
And makeup, the brighter the better.
So lots ......of hair
and makeup.
This also may be the generation responsible for the mullet:
And the ever worse.... femullet. /shiver.
Also the first fam-ullet:
The banana clip was really popular. So were Cover Shots:
Totally True:
The Mount Saint Helen’s catastrophe caused one of the strongest eruptions in north America, that has ever been recorded. May, 1980.
Radical Recall:
1987: Bangles: Hazy Shade of Winter - chick on drums? Way hardcore to the max! Joking aside, I do very like this song. If inclined... ask me about this and the Great Duck Hunt of 2006.
Legit Lingo:
Rad
Meaning: Awesome.Usage: Check out his rad Vans.
I can't argue. Vans are still fucking rad.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Toys - Chapter Two - The Smurfs
Right so, it goes something like this....
As the story begins, Hefty, Clumsy, and Panicky are out in the forest at night with a cart full of smurfberries that has a broken wheel. Unable to fix the wheel, the three of them sit together around a campfire roasting smurfberries when Clumsy has the idea of telling a ghost story to pass the time. Narrator then joins the three Smurfs to tell his own kind of ghost story.
I don't know of a Panicky Smurf, this must have been a Beta Smurf or was killed off early, perhaps for obvious reasons and in his fear... ran off a cliff?
In Narrator's story, the Smurfs gather around for Papa Smurf to announce the Smurfberry Harvest contest in which the Smurfs who collect the most smurfberries will be awarded a medal. Brainy shows up at the gathering wearing multiple medals that he has won over the past years, gloating about how he's going to win this year's medal as well. As the Smurfs collect their buckets and then go out into the forest to pick smurfberries, Gutsy follows Brainy to find out where he's been getting all the smurfberries for winning the contest. He discovers that it's in a place called Smurfy Hollow, an area where the legendary Headless Horseman resides, where there's a secret patch of smurfberries growing plentifully. Gutsy decides to give Brainy a scare by creating a shadow figure of the Headless Horseman, which sends the bespectacled Smurf running in fear. However, while Gutsy uses this opportunity to collect the smurfberries in the secret patch, Brainy finds himself walking into a trap set up by the evil wizard Gargamel.
The rest I'm going to just sum up. The bad guy was a hairy perv looking guy with an asshole for a cat named Azreal.
Smurfs were totally peaceful, and had a happy way of just working and what not, all wearing giant white diapers, basically naked in the forest picking berries and baking pies, and there was a period of time I was given the moniker "Brainy Smurf" that I understood to be a great compliment - "I'm being compared to a smurf!" I remarked! Nay, I was being compared to a smurf alright, the know-it-all jerkface smurf the others always left behind. Be-smurfed!
But the smurfs weren't a cartoon to me. What the smurfs REALLY meant was the first having of an item that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do.
This doubles for the Totally True section, as it is something very few people know about me and I hide well. Possibly like my hands.
At the right age I was given a set of these, and I went fucking ape:
It was not an intentionally cruel gift, every effort was made to catch me up, but there was no way I could manage these, and yet I loved these skates more than I coveted any other thing and I wore these every day all day and to bed - I thought they'd be different and I'd make it work. What I mean by 'catch me up' was that I was breach born = I was born feet first and in the hustle to get me out.... the doctor pulled in such a way that both of my hips were dislocated completely out of their sockets. Babies don't flail with arms and legs for a while, so I was a few months old before anyone discovered I couldn't move my legs. Mmm hm, so I was fitted with a body cast (full on hard-fucker cast, like what you'd get if your busted your arm), from the waist down and I basically looked like a Capital A for the first 18 months of my life.
There was a roughly 5 inch hole to clean me through, and my mother took a lot of shit from nurses saying horrible things like "can't you keep this baby clean!" and really... how the fuck could she? I couldn't be plopped in a bath, and babies have brand new bowels... it's Russian Roulette with every shit a kid makes for the first many months. Also, imagine toting me around in that impossible stiff shape, better yet - imagine putting your tee-pee infant into the main belly-part of your shopping cart because there was no where else to put my crippled ass, and being my mother - scorned by ignorant strangers thinking she was negligent, or had hurt me. I can't imagine the bullshit she suffered. Flip side, she thought she could park me somewhere and there'd I stay. Negative. I became the fastest elbow crawler ever born. I'd drag that entire cast and myself in such a sad display of a broken kid with no knowledge of being disabled in attempts to get at contraband. Alas, I have been very ME from the start.
That said I went to Shriners Hospital for Children until I was in my teens and they declared me 'as good as I'm going to get.' What's crazy wrong is when I requested medical records as an adult, and received them - I learned I was in special ed until the 6th grade movement-wise. I have no recollection of being in a special class during phys ed (PE was called phys ed yo!), and I really gave my mother a ration for me having lived my entire adult life not knowing I rode the short bus because I skipped a little funky and shared with other kids for fuck. I call that personality plus, and guarding what little shit I owned.
In closing - I cannot swim, ride a bike, do anything twisty, or alas..... roller skate. I have been resigned to coining it "can't do the shit" with a shrug off, since those skates went bust in 1986 but it's all good, I'm so fine with being in the special class.....smurf along with ME!... come to Papa's Street......
Radical Recall:
1983: Men Without Hats: Safety Dance:
As the story begins, Hefty, Clumsy, and Panicky are out in the forest at night with a cart full of smurfberries that has a broken wheel. Unable to fix the wheel, the three of them sit together around a campfire roasting smurfberries when Clumsy has the idea of telling a ghost story to pass the time. Narrator then joins the three Smurfs to tell his own kind of ghost story.
I don't know of a Panicky Smurf, this must have been a Beta Smurf or was killed off early, perhaps for obvious reasons and in his fear... ran off a cliff?
In Narrator's story, the Smurfs gather around for Papa Smurf to announce the Smurfberry Harvest contest in which the Smurfs who collect the most smurfberries will be awarded a medal. Brainy shows up at the gathering wearing multiple medals that he has won over the past years, gloating about how he's going to win this year's medal as well. As the Smurfs collect their buckets and then go out into the forest to pick smurfberries, Gutsy follows Brainy to find out where he's been getting all the smurfberries for winning the contest. He discovers that it's in a place called Smurfy Hollow, an area where the legendary Headless Horseman resides, where there's a secret patch of smurfberries growing plentifully. Gutsy decides to give Brainy a scare by creating a shadow figure of the Headless Horseman, which sends the bespectacled Smurf running in fear. However, while Gutsy uses this opportunity to collect the smurfberries in the secret patch, Brainy finds himself walking into a trap set up by the evil wizard Gargamel.
The rest I'm going to just sum up. The bad guy was a hairy perv looking guy with an asshole for a cat named Azreal.
Smurfs were totally peaceful, and had a happy way of just working and what not, all wearing giant white diapers, basically naked in the forest picking berries and baking pies, and there was a period of time I was given the moniker "Brainy Smurf" that I understood to be a great compliment - "I'm being compared to a smurf!" I remarked! Nay, I was being compared to a smurf alright, the know-it-all jerkface smurf the others always left behind. Be-smurfed!
But the smurfs weren't a cartoon to me. What the smurfs REALLY meant was the first having of an item that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do.
This doubles for the Totally True section, as it is something very few people know about me and I hide well. Possibly like my hands.
At the right age I was given a set of these, and I went fucking ape:
It was not an intentionally cruel gift, every effort was made to catch me up, but there was no way I could manage these, and yet I loved these skates more than I coveted any other thing and I wore these every day all day and to bed - I thought they'd be different and I'd make it work. What I mean by 'catch me up' was that I was breach born = I was born feet first and in the hustle to get me out.... the doctor pulled in such a way that both of my hips were dislocated completely out of their sockets. Babies don't flail with arms and legs for a while, so I was a few months old before anyone discovered I couldn't move my legs. Mmm hm, so I was fitted with a body cast (full on hard-fucker cast, like what you'd get if your busted your arm), from the waist down and I basically looked like a Capital A for the first 18 months of my life.
There was a roughly 5 inch hole to clean me through, and my mother took a lot of shit from nurses saying horrible things like "can't you keep this baby clean!" and really... how the fuck could she? I couldn't be plopped in a bath, and babies have brand new bowels... it's Russian Roulette with every shit a kid makes for the first many months. Also, imagine toting me around in that impossible stiff shape, better yet - imagine putting your tee-pee infant into the main belly-part of your shopping cart because there was no where else to put my crippled ass, and being my mother - scorned by ignorant strangers thinking she was negligent, or had hurt me. I can't imagine the bullshit she suffered. Flip side, she thought she could park me somewhere and there'd I stay. Negative. I became the fastest elbow crawler ever born. I'd drag that entire cast and myself in such a sad display of a broken kid with no knowledge of being disabled in attempts to get at contraband. Alas, I have been very ME from the start.
That said I went to Shriners Hospital for Children until I was in my teens and they declared me 'as good as I'm going to get.' What's crazy wrong is when I requested medical records as an adult, and received them - I learned I was in special ed until the 6th grade movement-wise. I have no recollection of being in a special class during phys ed (PE was called phys ed yo!), and I really gave my mother a ration for me having lived my entire adult life not knowing I rode the short bus because I skipped a little funky and shared with other kids for fuck. I call that personality plus, and guarding what little shit I owned.
In closing - I cannot swim, ride a bike, do anything twisty, or alas..... roller skate. I have been resigned to coining it "can't do the shit" with a shrug off, since those skates went bust in 1986 but it's all good, I'm so fine with being in the special class.....smurf along with ME!... come to Papa's Street......
Radical Recall:
1983: Men Without Hats: Safety Dance:
Toys - Chapter One
It may be because I was a lot shorter then, but in the 80s there were no walls in Toys r Us. It was endless isles deep and shelves to the heavens tall. I don't know when it shrank but I like to remember it as a fence-less world of needful things that would exhaust my mother's throat from repeating the word 'no' over the span of two hours.
I mean, look at this joint.....it's infinite. There. Is. No. Back. Wall.
Below is a list of items that could be found in my house, in any varying degree of disrepair or otherwise treated like all kids treat toys - even ones they like.
Pound Puppy
The story goes a seven year old me bee-lined into a store, much like this:
(reference Wylie Coyote and the Road Runner!)
to an isle where I stopped, pointed, and screamed "Princeton!" at the top of my lungs with authority.
This is Princeton:
Of all, actually ANY toys I retain to this day.... I still have Princeton. What's absolutely priceless to me is one day out of the blue some, ten or so years ago I got a call from my mother. Whispering: "Jenben.....I... found..... Princeton..."
Of course she had no idea I had, and never lost Princeton, but she had gone to a yard sale and was sure to her soul he had found his way home and had a spiritual moment when she produced this fellow:
To the lamen... possibly Princeton. To me? Get real, who was this skinny faced imposter? In fairness, most pound puppies didn't look anything like Princeton, so she did come across a rare find to see one this close. I now have two, and embarrassed to say that the girl who names everything.... has never named Not-Princeton. Gratuitous yorkie in the background, yes, smaller than even a pound puppy.
All pound puppies had embroidered asses.
Tinkertoys:
No shortage of this shit in the house. More accurately, no shortage of "bits" of it ALL over the house. I don't remember these being useful other than to construct a reeeeeeally long arm from the bottom bunk to smack my older sister with on the top bunk. I was torture in ways I'll never be able to cover in Hail Mary's, and frankly....I have never been exactly sorry for being a pain in the ass. Potentially some shades of it, but not exactly.
Glow Worm & the See and Say Desconcierto
Speaking of my mother's propensity for the odd gift - she was cursed with being the queen to why I am frugal, as she always stretched a buck. Often times she stretched that fucker too far and I ended up with a See & Say that spoke spanish:
i.e. "el perro habla 'WOOF!' "
And understand my mother is from the south and has the most offensive collection of racial slurs I know of, short of a David Allen Coe album. So this sort of thing, even though we were living in the gut of a growing hispanic population in Van Nuys, put her into a manic rage. She took that Spanish See and Say personally in a way that while she didn't destroy it in front of me, I can say with certainty that I did only ever see the thing once. Talk about beaming with glee to give her child a smart gift, then watching her smile melt into beaner horror. It was a blur of "wetbacks..." and "receipt." Oh how she glared at that thing the rest of the night, just waiting to get her hands on it.
If god wasn't trying to give her a hint to loosen up that time, he most definitely was giving it a second try when I received many years later (ever the bargain hunter!) a set of tarot cards. Right...
I thought she'd stroke. Again, saw them once, and really....nevermind that it looks the Papa is about to get a blowjob, I liked them!
Do understand, even in the 1980's racism was alive and well, and very normal in a lot of the country, so when I explain my mother being bigoted, it was not uncommon and very much a facet of being raised in a house where slavery wasn't so old to her parents. In the 80's it seemed for the most part tolerated (again I was little, so who knows how off the mark I am, I just know what I remember), in comparison to now, where it's gone so insanely 180 that you can't even talk to someone of another race without watching yourself to say something offensive. And not because you're racist, but because everyone is so hyper-sensitive and sometimes to me, I feel like people are hoping, even waiting to be spoken to sideways.
Digressing, I was also given a Glow Worm:
My worm had to be held like I was at war and choking out an enemy before it lit up. No kid goes to sleep with a death hold on a toy, and the piddly light it emitted wasn't worth the fight. I'm sure I carried it around like a staple long enough to appear grateful - (remember when kids were grateful and would tote around a yard rock if it was dressed as a gift because being an ungrateful child was some wrong shit to have your name attached to).
Coming Next - Toys: Chapter 2 - Smurf Along with Me!
Radical Recall:
1989: Martika - Toy Soldiers
1979: Devo, Whip It
These guys get in a year early, because clearly.... they are 80's ahead of time. I think they started the trend of inane, nonsensical shit that was for whatever reason - awesome. I have this record, vinyl.
1984: Prince: When Doves Cry:
Can't get a live video of this one because.... I don't really know, my guess? Prince is ultra up-fucking-tight (adverb!) about it being played for free. That, or some sort of self-realization that he's two feet tall and is embarrassed by a video of him in a bathtub being.....two feet tall.
Totally True:
Rubics Cube and Post it Notes were invented in the 1980's. Oh, and THIS was hot....
I know right?!?!
Legit Lingo:
Grody
Part of Speech: Adjective
Meaning: Disgusting
Usage: You sucked face with Farmer Ted? Grody!
I mean, look at this joint.....it's infinite. There. Is. No. Back. Wall.
Below is a list of items that could be found in my house, in any varying degree of disrepair or otherwise treated like all kids treat toys - even ones they like.
Pound Puppy
The story goes a seven year old me bee-lined into a store, much like this:
(reference Wylie Coyote and the Road Runner!)
to an isle where I stopped, pointed, and screamed "Princeton!" at the top of my lungs with authority.
This is Princeton:
Of all, actually ANY toys I retain to this day.... I still have Princeton. What's absolutely priceless to me is one day out of the blue some, ten or so years ago I got a call from my mother. Whispering: "Jenben.....I... found..... Princeton..."
Of course she had no idea I had, and never lost Princeton, but she had gone to a yard sale and was sure to her soul he had found his way home and had a spiritual moment when she produced this fellow:
To the lamen... possibly Princeton. To me? Get real, who was this skinny faced imposter? In fairness, most pound puppies didn't look anything like Princeton, so she did come across a rare find to see one this close. I now have two, and embarrassed to say that the girl who names everything.... has never named Not-Princeton. Gratuitous yorkie in the background, yes, smaller than even a pound puppy.
All pound puppies had embroidered asses.
Tinkertoys:
No shortage of this shit in the house. More accurately, no shortage of "bits" of it ALL over the house. I don't remember these being useful other than to construct a reeeeeeally long arm from the bottom bunk to smack my older sister with on the top bunk. I was torture in ways I'll never be able to cover in Hail Mary's, and frankly....I have never been exactly sorry for being a pain in the ass. Potentially some shades of it, but not exactly.
Glow Worm & the See and Say Desconcierto
Speaking of my mother's propensity for the odd gift - she was cursed with being the queen to why I am frugal, as she always stretched a buck. Often times she stretched that fucker too far and I ended up with a See & Say that spoke spanish:
i.e. "el perro habla 'WOOF!' "
And understand my mother is from the south and has the most offensive collection of racial slurs I know of, short of a David Allen Coe album. So this sort of thing, even though we were living in the gut of a growing hispanic population in Van Nuys, put her into a manic rage. She took that Spanish See and Say personally in a way that while she didn't destroy it in front of me, I can say with certainty that I did only ever see the thing once. Talk about beaming with glee to give her child a smart gift, then watching her smile melt into beaner horror. It was a blur of "wetbacks..." and "receipt." Oh how she glared at that thing the rest of the night, just waiting to get her hands on it.
If god wasn't trying to give her a hint to loosen up that time, he most definitely was giving it a second try when I received many years later (ever the bargain hunter!) a set of tarot cards. Right...
I thought she'd stroke. Again, saw them once, and really....nevermind that it looks the Papa is about to get a blowjob, I liked them!
Do understand, even in the 1980's racism was alive and well, and very normal in a lot of the country, so when I explain my mother being bigoted, it was not uncommon and very much a facet of being raised in a house where slavery wasn't so old to her parents. In the 80's it seemed for the most part tolerated (again I was little, so who knows how off the mark I am, I just know what I remember), in comparison to now, where it's gone so insanely 180 that you can't even talk to someone of another race without watching yourself to say something offensive. And not because you're racist, but because everyone is so hyper-sensitive and sometimes to me, I feel like people are hoping, even waiting to be spoken to sideways.
Digressing, I was also given a Glow Worm:
My worm had to be held like I was at war and choking out an enemy before it lit up. No kid goes to sleep with a death hold on a toy, and the piddly light it emitted wasn't worth the fight. I'm sure I carried it around like a staple long enough to appear grateful - (remember when kids were grateful and would tote around a yard rock if it was dressed as a gift because being an ungrateful child was some wrong shit to have your name attached to).
Coming Next - Toys: Chapter 2 - Smurf Along with Me!
Radical Recall:
1989: Martika - Toy Soldiers
1979: Devo, Whip It
These guys get in a year early, because clearly.... they are 80's ahead of time. I think they started the trend of inane, nonsensical shit that was for whatever reason - awesome. I have this record, vinyl.
1984: Prince: When Doves Cry:
Can't get a live video of this one because.... I don't really know, my guess? Prince is ultra up-fucking-tight (adverb!) about it being played for free. That, or some sort of self-realization that he's two feet tall and is embarrassed by a video of him in a bathtub being.....two feet tall.
Totally True:
Rubics Cube and Post it Notes were invented in the 1980's. Oh, and THIS was hot....
I know right?!?!
Legit Lingo:
Grody
Part of Speech: Adjective
Meaning: Disgusting
Usage: You sucked face with Farmer Ted? Grody!
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