Right so my sister is trying to get a promotion with a job she has been at for about ten years. They are putting her through the formal traffic of ... frankly bullshit. A background check..... like from birth. She is sweating this. To me, if she hasn't stolen or otherwise been a cunt in ten years this is a waste of taxpayer money. All the same, it's gone down and my advise, with a decent amount of law classes has been simple. She starts to break down her entire history as though I don't know her, conversation went like this.
"What about ..." she asks.... I stop her.
"You were a juvenile, inadmissible." I say before she has a chance to talk about shit neither of us want to.
"They asked if I ever went to parties."
"Like balloons and little kid shit or balls out heroin and bitches holding other bitches hair in the bathroom? Who are these people? You have to recount every huzzah you ever attended? How much this gig pay?"
"They also asked if I ever was in the presence of drugs."
I pause... then ask well, what fucking kind? I mean, just saying.... if you are going to bust my chops like I'm about to be arrested, please be specific, are you talking about snorting coke off a passed out hooker in a dimly lit bathroom or....aspirin, I need that distinction. But I know this will not not help her chances at the promotion and the most obvious reason I do not have state job, because yes I would have quite likely said the above because it is the dumbest shit I have ever heard.
She replied "Any drug."
I immediately advised she say she was Mormon and home schooled. Never seen a pill in her fucking life. Doesn't even have television so is only vaguely aware of western medicine. They eat roots and leaves for immunity to disease and ailments.
Throw a religious card, you are golden. I don't like it but in the face of stupidity.... counter it with something even more stupid, then stand by it so strong without blinking that the other person is actually considering the possibility of religious persecution charges in the legal world of "everyone hates me and my god." It might cost the job consideration, but in my mind....the last thing I would say on exit of interview would have been "My religious beliefs will not be an influence to my capacity to perform this job, and I hope that is not a part of your consideration." Just be extra fucking scary.
I also advised that if she did get the job and was caught throwing an F bomb around to simply toss herself to the floor and start conjuring Jesus, proclaiming an angry caller channeled the word through her, and beg forgiveness. Not no one will ever fuck with you again, but watch your mouth. Can't be calling Jesus like he has a hotline yo.
Now while I did tell her all of this, I did also say it's not the immediate go to, but as her minister I would gladly defend her rights. She decided that at no cost would she say she was Mormon. Lol, I understood but said "never know when your standards lower...."
Amen.
- JM
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